Everything

Things I've learned

  1. Forgetting your sister’s birthday says bad things about your priorities
  2. Forgetting your twin sister’s birthday says bad things about your cognitive abilities
  3. Wassabi peas do not constitute “dinner”
  4. You can subconsciously turn off your alarm clock
  5. Making toasted marshmallows over the stove is fun until they hit the burner, start on fire, cause lots of smoke and set off the fire detectors
  6. Mitch Hedberg wasn’t kidding when he called it the “the emergency make the car smell funny lever”
  7. When you’re a pedestrian and taunting cars, make sure to do it on a one way street with cars moving away from you.
  8. People are stupid and, no matter how hard you try, that will never change
  9. When laughing at other people, “use your inside voice”
  10. Your musical guilty pleasures are not secret when you have iTunes sharing on
  11. Do not download music between 1AM and 7AM.  See Above.
  12. While you might call yourself a “nerd” in the self-empowering sense, everyone else is using the traditional definition
  13. Apparently people can wake up in the middle of the night screaming in a foreign language
  14. Things made with cranberries rock.  However, cranberries on their own taste like ass.
  15. Forgiveness is easier to get than permission
  16. #15 only works if it used sparingly
  17. In practice, the difference between malice and stupidity is very small
  18. When your hair stylist / barber tries to make small talk – don’t bring up politics.
  19. People don’t go to your website for content.  They go to it to see stupid videos, images, and top 10 lists.
  20. No matter how hard you try, the world will never see the true harm of donating to the Salvation Army.  Moreover, they don’t care that they are supporting a bigoted religious organization and there are better places to donate to.
  21. 0.99999… does equal one and no matter how hard you try, you cannot convince some people of this
  22. You realize a sink full of water is an astonishingly large quantity when the trap below your kitchen sink breaks open and you have to clean it up.
  23. The finger guard is on the paper cutter for a reason. In unrelated news, I don’t think I am allowed to use the paper cutter again.
  24. When heavily medicated on Sudafed, it is advisable to keep to yourself.

by me – will be updated as I learn more

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